Randomosity
by IceDynamiteDragonflyStars
Summary: Parody of and including: clichés, bad fanfiction, pairings, and, of course, Mary Sues. Randomosity, people. (I have no idea what it means either, but it sounds catchy.)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, and welcome to my second parody ever. The first is a Warriors one. Absolutely sucks, but it's quite funny. Also, did you like my 'randomosity' cover? It used to be a sunflower but I drew on it in the image editor. Anyway, enjoy! Today I will be bashing Mary Sues. _DON'T FLAME ME BECAUSE MY PLOT HERE IS SIMILAR TO YOURS. THIS IS A GENERALISATION. YOUR STORY IS PROBABLY AWESOME._ There's just those few that aren't...**

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><p>Lady Melody Jade Sapphire Luna Wiktoria Cleopatra Angel Venus Serena Raven Swan Mystique Derek May June Lilly Coffee Christmas Cake Timothy McDonald Starfire Blaze Shadow watched the house silently. Her hair streamed behind her as she broke into a sprint. She had lovely hair. It went from baby blue at the roots to turquoise in the middle to forest green at the end, which was down past her waist. Her eyes were a deep, mysterious violet colour, tinged with pink towards the middle and merging to indigo at the end. She gasped as she was suddenly tackled by a gigantic man. He pinned her to the ground, but she was too quick, flipping upwards like a... uhm... I've run out of similes. Just visualise the most beautiful thing you've ever seen flipping upwards. Yeah. She looked like that. She quickly kicked the man in the face with a stylish high-heeled boot that no mere mortal could possibly jump in.<p>

But Melody Jade Sapphire Luna Wiktoria Cleopatra Angel Venus Serena Raven Swan Mystique Derek May June Lilly Coffee Christmas Cake Timothy McDonald Starfire Blaze Shadow was no mere mortal.

Her father had been the most legendary LEPRecon elf ever. He had won more than forty medals before his hundredth birthday. Her mother was a famously beautiful Asian princess. Or possibly African, depending on which continent sounded most exotic to the author on that day. It never really said. She was abandoned at birth and grew up on the streets, using her magic powers to survive off the bare minimum. One day, she was spotted by an undercover M.A.R.Y.S.U.E.

The M.A.R.Y.S.U.E. were a secret organisation. Their name stood for: The **M**ysterious **A**ssociation of **R**allying **Y**ouths to **S**py on **U ****E**pically. They Taught talented children martial arts and spying, so they could steal off the rich of the world. Our M.A.R.Y.S.U.E.'s first assignment was to rob the most awesome man in Ireland.

Artemis Fowl. So now she was battling his bodyguard in the back garden. It took her only 46.745 seconds to take him out. But her troubles were far from over. She felt a stinging pain in her neck. A tranquilizer dart. Then everything went black. Artemis Fowl stepped out of the shadows like a boss.

"Oh _no,_" he whispered in horror. "this is one of those parodies, isn't it? Those ones written by a twelve-year-old psycho trying desperately to be funny. And failing. So she has to resort to fourth-wall breaks and Mary-Sues to get any reviews, because all the Sue-haters (a.k.a. everyone) will go 'OMG, that's like, soooo true!' and feel the need to say so in a review, the result being this parody becomes popular, and so it will be updated a lot, so my life will suck even _more._ So, I shall proceed to call Foaly, and he will have had a file of this Sue on his computer all along saying she knows about the People, and he never thought it important enough to tell us because he is apparentely a slacker, even though if he _was _a slacker, the fairies would have died ages ago because he runs the security systems. Then, I will lock the Sue in my basement, and, on my visits to her, we will gradually fall in love, then Opal or Turnball or someone will return and capture her so we will have to stage an epic plot to rescue her that could probably have been made up by Beckett, and, _and, _it won't have Mulch in it, even though he's a main character and has his own Wikipeidia page." And so, Artemis Fowl resigned himself to his fate, and dialed the centaur's number.

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><p>Foaly looked up as his computer pinged with a message. He gasped in shock. He and Artemis also colour-coded their messages. Blue was 'OPAL'S COME BACK TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. AGAIN. JEEZ, THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK. THIS ISN'T EVEN WORTHY OF CAPS LOCK, because it's not an emergency, we all know what'll happen, one of us'll come up with an ingenious plot to defy her and escape death by a hair. So, you free on Tuesday?' Yellow was 'Hey, wanna crash Google together?' and red was 'PARODY ALERT!' The message was red.<p>

Foaly stared at it. He immediately tapped a few keys on his keyboard and came up with a file of the Mary Sue. He told Artemis her names, all 24 of them. And so, Artemis locked her in his basement, and on his visits to her, they both gradually opened up to each other, revealing to each other their tragical pasts, hopes for the future and dreams. Then, Opal, Jon Spiro, Damon Kronski, Leon Abbot, Billy Kong and Turnball Root all teamed up and captured Melody Jade Sapphire Luna Wiktoria Cleopatra Angel Venus Serena Raven Swan Mystique Derek May June Lilly Coffee Christmas Cake Timothy McDonald Starfire Blaze Shadow, who they locked in their basement in their secret base in Antarctica, and so everyone came up with a plan that Beckett could have made. Actually, Beckett did make it. His name was recently changed to Everyone. And Mulch wasn't invited. He instead spent the weekend making out with Caballine while Foaly was away. And so, everyone rescued the Mary Sue, and she and Artemis kissed passionately and Holly for some reason didn't mind, even though she obviously has a huge crush on Artemis. And so, several sequels were released about their childs, and how they too found love. And the story broke the record for the most flames ever.

THE END.

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><p><strong>So, what'cha think? Good? Bad? Well, good, it was supposed to be bad, for that is the point of parody. <strong>


	2. The kinds

**Hey, I'm back, with more randomosity! Thanks to lackadays and GiGi Babineaux for reviewing. I guess sorta thanks to No One, even though it was (another) prank review from my sister. Seriously, she's prank reviewed all but two of my stories. And she plans to prank review those ones. Anyway, this chapter I'll be parodying crossovers, because I've been reading a lot of them lately. Also, I'm calling a vote: What should I parody next? I'm a bit torn between parodying all the 'Opal returns to take over the world' fics and the 'All the fairies come over to Fowl Manor for Christmas' ones. So, feedback, please?**

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><p><strong><em><span>PARODY NO.2: CROSSOVERS. Sorta. More, this is a chapter that happens to be a crossover, and not an actual chapter that parodies crossovers.<span>_**

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><p>Artemis rushed down the hall. Which hall? No idea. It was <em>the <em>hall. Am I going to tell you which hall? NO.

"HOLLY!" He yelled, in a very OOC sort of a way. "Holly! I have come to a terrible conclusion!"

Holly dashed up, wide awake even though it was 3 am. And no, that doesn't make her some kind of magical elf or something. I just didn't say it was 3 am in _the _hall. It's bound to have been 3 am somewhere in the world though. Just not _the _hall. "What? What is it?" She asked worriedly.

"I have a feeling we may not be... original."

"What? A teenaged boy and his hot best friend/love interest saving the world singlehandedly is _so _original!" 

"That's just the thing. I was reading Harry Potter-"

Holly interrupted. "Shouldn't it be _Harry Potter? _With _italics?"_

Artemis shook his head. "Nobody cares right now," he said, still being OOC," just look!"

Holly frowned. "Does he have a centaur?"

"Yes. And, sadly, their centaur is way more badass then ours."

"D'Arvit. Does he have a genius?"

"Yep."

"Does he have an arch-nemesis that returns tiresomely every book and comes up with a plan for world domination, then reveals the plan to him or his frind because apparently all baddies have no brain, resulting in him invariably saving the day at the last minute every single time?" 

"Yes."

Holly gasped, shocked. "But that's _so _original! How?"

"I don't know. But there is only one way to settle this."

"With extreme violence caused by me shooting my Neutriono and Butler smashing everyone's skulls? That's how we usually do it. We are _such _an _amazing _influence."

"Violence is fun to watch, but I was thinking we should file a lawsuit."

"Will we be able to have an extremely violent battle afterwards, so Mulch and Juliet can come and rescue us just when the situation seems worst?"

"Yes. That's how lawsuits normally end, anyway."

"Great, let's go."

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><p><strong><span>Court of Hogwarts, (Hey, Hogwarts is actually a word! Who knew?) Hogwarts, England<span>**

Artemis and Holly arrived at The Court of Hogwarts one hour later, at 7:41 pm. Somewhere, anyway. Inside, there was a large queue of people, waiting to file lawsuits, and having lawsuits filed against them. Please note that IceDynamiteDragonflyStars has never been inside a courtroom, filed a lawsuit, or been lawsuited. Lawsuits don't really fit me. They only have size fourteen. (PUN!) Seriously, though, don't blame me for getting all the facts wrong.

Anyway, Artemis and Holly walked over to the desk in the corner. "Hello," said Artemis," we'd like to file a lawsuit against Harry Potter for taking away our original-ness, because people keep accusing us of being Harry Potter ripoffs now and it isn't fair."

Holly looked around. "Wow, a lot of people are suing today."

The lady at the desk nodded. "Today we've got: One Direction against 5 Seconds of Summer, for being a blatant ripoff, Hogwarts against Camp Half-Blood for the same reason, Nicki Minaj against Iggy Azalea for stealing her voice, Trouble Kelp against the Christmas elves because they make him look stupid, Santa Claus against President Snow for making him look evil, Jedward against graphic-novel Merv and Scant for stealing their look, **(for those who don't know, John and Edward, aka Jedward, are twin pop singers here in Ireland. They look a _lot _like Merv and Scant do in the Opal Deception graphic novel.)**Katniss Everdeen against Tris Prior for also being a ripoff, Gale Hawthorne against Four Eaton for being a ripoff as well, every Disney princess against every other Disney princess for being even more blatant ripoffs, Chiron against Foaly for (apparently) ruining centaurs, Foaly against Chiron for the same reason- wait, that one has just been resolved; Caballine has taken out Chiron with a long stick. Now Camp half-blood is suing Caballine because she harmed their resident badass centaur. Finally, the Association of Puns and Jokes is suing NigaHiga, Christmas Crackers and IceDynamiteDragonflyStars for ruining them. Now, please wait in line."

The woman then collapsed from lack of oxygen.

Artemis and Holly joined the line behind two people who were fighting in raps. Artemis assumed they were Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj. IceDynamiteDragonflyStars would have put in some more dialogue between them, but didn't, because she didn't want to be sued for real. Plus it would probably end up getting her in more trouble with the Association of Puns and Jokes.

Holly looked around. A lot of arguing was going on. They waited for three hours, until it was 2 am. Somewhere. IceDynamiteDragonflyStars ended up winning the lawsuit by a hare. She used it to bash the Association leader over the head. It wasn't hurt, don't worry. IceDynamiteDragonflyStars's cat ran off with it. Then it was hurt. Feel free to worry. She was now free to make all the bad jokes she wanted, yay! Sadly, she was immediately sued by Julius Caesar and Beckett Fowl, because only they were allowed to refer to themselves in third person.

The lawsuit ended up a tie. Harry decided that they were both an original take on mythical creatures, and that they would do a trade-off, Holly for Ginny. Holly and Ginny themselves had taken a bathroom break at the time, and Harry and Artemis went home sharpish before they came back and slapped them for trading them off. And so, the chapter ended. It more consisted of my (I lost the lawsuit to Julius and Beckett) bad puns and shameless self-inserts than Artemis Fowl. But ah well. It was fun, right? Yeah. Right.

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><p><strong>This was fun. REVIEW!<strong>


	3. Christmas-ness

**,Sup, 'tis I! And it turns out I have a computer and internet so I decided to update. Today I am parodying all those 'the fairies come to Fowl Manor for Christmas' stories, because even parodies can be festive. Thanks to Tong and Cup O'Tea Hatter for reviewing, it was very encouraging.**

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><p>It was Christmas and the fairies were coming over to Fowl Manor, which they could do, because Artemis I and Angeline were away on a business trip and not looking after their children because they are apparently horrible parents. Actually, they just left Artemis II in the house alone, they took Myles and Beckett with them too because they show favouritism like even more horrible parents. So Artemis was left alone with the Butlers. Sad. So, Artemis, being desperate for company, called over Holly, Foaly, Mulch, Trouble, even though he hates Trouble and would never normally invite him over, and not No1 because he's a meanie butt, as my eight-year-old sister would say. He also didn't invite Caballine, who Foaly presumably left at home, alone, like a horrible husband. Darn you, Foaly.<p>

So, when they arrived, Juliet made cookies. They watched a movie. It was terrible. They drank hot chocolate. Foaly barfed because horse stomachs are not designed to digest chocolate. Yep, not only am I hilarious, I also know biology. Aw yeah.

They then went Christmas shopping in the mall. Only they couldn't, because Ireland doesn't have malls. We call them SHOPPING CENTRES, noobs, and they're a lot worse than the ones in the US. You will not find a SHOPPING CENTRE with a spa in Dublin. You will have to go to the city and manually walk around the place. So, anyway, let's continue assuming Dublin does, in fact, have a secret awesome mall that nobody told me about. *sniff*

They went to the mall doing Secret Santa, another thing Ireland doesn't have. Here, it's KRIS KRINGLE. Noobs. Artemis had Holly to buy presents for. He got her a spa thingy, just like you don't have in Ireland. Wow, this is beginning to get mildly depressing. Holly, by some _incredibly lucky coincidence, _had Artemis. What are the chances? What everyone else got wasn't important, because this is a Hartemis story. Holly got Artemis a book that he will be incredibly pleased about for some obscure reason. Yep, not only am I hilarious, and I know biology, I am also psychic. Aw yeah.

When they got home, Juliet 'forced' everyone to decorate the house, and Artemis and Holly somehow got tangled up in tinsel or Juliet or somebody held mistletoe over their heads and 'forced' them to kiss. Then they went to bed. Artemis and Holly were both kept awake by the memory of their kiss. They then met late at night and had some heartfelt confessions about their true feelings for each other. Then they went to bed, happy at last and all that.

On Christmas morning they all woke up and opened their presents. Holly and Artemis were thrilled with their presents for some obscure reason. Nobody cares what everyone else got or how they reacted because this is a Hartemis story. Suddenly it started snowing, just like it never does in Ireland because we have a temperate climate. Not only am I hilarious, I know about biology, I'm psychic, and I'm educational. Aw yeah.

So, they went outside and had an awesome time building snowmen and stuff just like you can't in Ireland. Then they had hot chocolate again and Foaly barfed again, proving he learned nothing from last time. Darn you, Foaly. THE END.

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><p><strong>Merry Christmas to all you awesome readers and reviewers, hope you get everything you asked for and have an awesome time! (Feeling all cheerful and Christmassy right now, sorry. I've been watching The Muppets Christmas Carol (Yeah, judge me) and it's that bit at the end where the guy realises the joy of Christmas and walks through London singing and giving everyone presents. Yay!) <strong>


	4. I am Opal Maybe

** Hi, me again! So, today I will parody 'Opal takes over the world'. Thanks to Cup O'Tea Hatter, GiGi B and greenpineapple for reviewing, and sorry the last chapter wasn't as funny as the others, I will be back to normal funniness today. Hopefully. I can't really be the judge of my own funniness.**

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><p>Opal laughed evilly and dramatically and witchily. It was the sort of laugh that makes shivers go up your spine and your stomach feel like it's full of seven-year-olds that have had too much cola and are on a sugar rush and will eventually get obese and die due to high cholesterol levels. Don't drink cola, kids. Even though no child should be reading this 'cause it's T. If you're a seven-year-old, go drink some cola. You just broke the fan fiction rules.<p>

In short, Opal was laughing.

Why? To set atmosphere, of course. Nothing funny was _actually _going on, but hey, it set the scene. She then went on to make an epic speech to Nobody At All going into how she would violently kill Artemis and Holly, but not Foaly or Caballine even though they outsmarted Opal more awesomely and should be picked off more. (In her opinion, obviously. Love you guys!)

So, she made her way up to Fowl Manor to make a threat on everyone's lives. Again. Without Merv and Scant. *sniff* She and Nobody At All crashed through the wall all dramatic, like. Nobody At All hit a piece of rubble and got a nosebleed. Opal just lay on the ground because she was unconscious. Face it, cliché writers, Nobody At All can crash through a wall and not be knocked out. Which is of course why he only got a nosebleed. (What the hell am I on about? That there was a patented Irish expression.) Then Nobody At All faded away, never to be seen again, or at least until IceDynamiteDragonflyStars could come up with another horrendous joke.

Meanwhile, Holly looked up from her book (Artemis Fowl: The Graphic Novel.) Realising it was just Opal, she went back to laughing at how idiotic Foaly and Mulch looked like in the illustrations, and wondering what pervert drew this. There was a picture of her naked on the first page of chapter two. Young children were reading this! (Seriously, there is a picture of her in the shower. Nothing scandalous, but definitely displaying some boob. Hey, that's what I should parody next chapter, the graphic novel! I am a genius.) Anyway, Holly looked up from her book. Then, realising it was just Opal, come back to take over the world, she looked back and continued her laughing and wondering. Artemis quickly sent Foaly a colour-coded message, which was, of course, blue, which was for OPAL'S TAKEN OVER THE WORLD. AGAIN. JEEZ, THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK. IN FACT, THIS ISN'T EVEN WORTHY OF CAPS LOCK. We all know what will happen. One of us will come up with an ingenious plot to stop her and we'll win by the skin of our teeth, even though teeth don't have skin and this is inaccurate. So, you free on Tuesday?

Foaly responded with his usual infinite wisdom and smartness. He said:

Lol. Hey, do U want 2 see the Hobbit?

To which Artemis responded with:

Lol, k. U get d popcorn.

Geniuses and their genius speak. Meanwhile, Opal was holding Myles and Beckett at gunpoint. They were used to this by now and instead of screaming like toddlers, they continued what they were doing, which was drinking vodka. Meanwhile, Angeline and Artemis I also continued what they were doing, which was... ahm... Playing with Lego. Yeah. Until Opal smashed the bricks. Then they listened to the Frozen soundtrack. I have a feeling I may have mixed something up there, but whatever. So, anyway, after watching the Hobbit, then going out to eat pizza on totally not a date, then walking down the pier holding hands, still totally notion a date, then kissing, completely and absolutely _not on a date, _Artemis and Foaly returned. Opal was sitting on the sofa eating Taytos (which are a brand of Irish crisp. Or potato chip, as I believe you Americans say. Anyway, they're great. You haven't lived until you've eaten Taytos, really, you haven't.) in a bored sort of a way, watching Ice Age 4, which was the best one, definitely. In fact, she liked it to the point where she got an account on Fan fiction, then went and wrote a story about a teenage pirate hedgehog that joins the gang. And wrote bad parodies when she:

(a) couldn't be bothered to update, or

(b) had writer's block. In fact, in the most recent chapter of her parody, she wrote how she came to be on fan fiction. Yes, people, you have guessed correctly. I am in fact _not _some random and slightly mentally insane Irish kid. I am in fact a random and incredibly, crazily mentally deranged Havenish pixie. I am Opal.

(Jk I'm not. But I could be! *evil laugh* You will never know...)


	5. A Very Graphic Accident

**UPDATE! YAYHAY! Thanks, Anonymous, for reviewing. So, now, graphic-novel bashing! WOO! (sorry, I'm currently on a frostie-cereal-bar fueled sugar high.)**

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><p>Foaly stared at his computer screen, a look of pure horrified terrified horror on his face. What terror was he watching, you may ask? Saw? The Purge? No. God, you ask, it's not... <em>Twilight! <em>But no. This was worse. Much, much worse. He was in fact not watching, but reading. So, what pure evil scariness was he reading, then? The One Direction autobiography? No, worse. **Awesomepaw **_and _Guinnesspaw, by IceDynamiteDragonflyStars? No, this was worse.

It

Was

The... **_ARTEMIS FOWL GRAPHIC NOVEL!_**

He rested his head on the desk, sobbing quietly. What had they done to his beautiful face? Why was he suddenly a blonde? Oh, the terribleness. And Mulch! He looked like what would happen if you crossed, a chimp, a pink frog and a guinea pig. Bleh. And BUTLER! His tiny little head! It was as if they gave him a size 762 body, looked in the head wardrobe/closet, realised they had no size 762 heads, and so they just gave him a 3.

And Holly's first entrance? Why was she in the shower? He could see her naked! Why, Dude Who Drew This (I'll call him Dave.)? WHY? And Root! It's almost like they gave him a size 563 head, and size 0.0003 eyeballs. Really, Dave? What did he do with Opal's eyeballs? They're all REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! That could actually be 'they're all reed.' Maybe it was. You shall'nt no. Is shall'nt a word? You shall'nt no. Ask Opal.

Actually, don't ask Opal. Those red eyes... She looks like some sort of a demon. Maybe Opal's One Direction! (They're demons, right?) Anyway, those red eyes would repel anyone in a three mile radius.

So ask Merv&Scant. No, don't do that. Their eyes are REALLY weird. They look like yer one Briares from Percy Jackson.

Briares is so weird he gets a whole paragraph just stating this fact.

Yeah. What'd happen if Artemis met Percy? I mean, Percy's obviously met Artemis, but she's a different one... She's a she for starters, and a magic all-powerful immortal thingummybob. HEY! SUDDEN CONCLUSION! SO, HOLLY'S RELATED TO CUPID, AND CUPID'S DAD IS ARES, SO POSEIDON IS CUPID'S UNCLE, SO PERCY AND HOLLY ARE RELATED!1! SQUEEEEEE!ELEVEN!1!

Sorry about that. Sugar. As I was saying...

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><p>At approximately 3:84 am Artemis Fowl was woked by Foaly phoning him.<p>

"Artemis. Thank Tezcatlipoca. You have t0 come, NOWNOWNOW!"

"Huh, I never knew you were an Aztec. Anyway, is this an emergency? Because last time you called me, it was actually a prank call from IceDynamiteDragonflyStars's cat, Lola."

"Oh, it's an emergency. It's **_horrible._**"

"What is it? It's not another movie sequel to Twilight, is it?"

"No."

"Oh, thank Loki."

"Huh, I never knew you were a Viking. And as trickster gods go, Tezcatlipoca kicks Loki's arse."

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><p>When Artemis arrived, everyone else was there, even Opal, who was sobbing in the corner at what they'd done to her beautiful... Everything. Thanks a lot, <em>Dave. <em>Mulch was laughing hysterically at Foaly, who was laughing hysterically at Mulch. Even IceDynamite- sorry, me, just remembered my lawsuit thing with Julius Caesar and Beckett Fowl- even I was there, Sniggering at Butler's tiny weeny wickle head. why does Sniggering get a capital letter but not the why? No idea, but it had something to do with eddies in the space-time contin-thingy. Ask Ford Prefect, he knows this kind of stuff. (That, btw, was a _Hitch-Hikers' Guide to the Galaxy _reference.)

Then, very, very tragically, a horrendous accident took place. What really happened there that day is a mystery to this day, but it had something to do with Twilight, two trickster gods battling it out to see if Tezcatlipoca would really kick Loki's arse, and an old, slightly bent paperclip. The only survivor was an Irish twelve-year-old genius by the name of IceDynamiteDragonflyStars, and the shock of the incident was so great that she now spends her spare time researching mythology and writing horrendous parodies. True story.


	6. Ships that gradually became a crossover

**Hey! I'm not dead! You sound ridiculous! Me? You should hear you! Lotus berries to anybody who got that reference. I was just typing and that scene came to mind... Anyway, thanks to AnnaCromwell, Guest and Guest for reviewing! **

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><p><span><em>Chapter Something (I've forgotten): Shippings, because Valentine's day. So what if it's late, I was busy!<em>

Artemis and Holly were very kissing. Brownie points if you got the reference. Bet'cha a tenner you didn't. Because this is A/H, the size difference was completely ignored, even though Artemis would have to awkwardly stoop down to kiss Holly and that can't be good on the back. At all. And no, she cannot just be lifted. Artemis is too weak. Sorry. Holly can fly, I hear you say indignantly? Touché. Anyway. Artemis decided he was sick of Holly and went to do stuff with Butler. And by stuff, I mean they did things. And by things, I mean they went to see Fifty Shades of Grey together. Holly left to do stuff with Foaly. And by that I mean they did yoga like pros. Meanwhile, Butler decided he liked some random OC named Tim Jane Patrick Lilly better and left.

Meanwhile, far, far, far, far, away, Juliet was on a date with Lili Frond. IceDynamiteDragonflyStars flew around them fangirling. JULIET AND LILI FOREVER! Sorry 'bout that...

Meanwhile, Artemis was ballroom dancing with a Mary Sue from Tanzania named Philippa Coco Hannahbeth Aimee Amy Anya Stella Luna Apollo Itzpapalotl Murphy. Spellcheck denied that at least three of those names existed. IceDynamiteDragonflyStars just listened to GRL and pretended her feelings weren't hurt by Spellcheck's saying that her beautiful words didn't exist. Artemis, meanwhile, decided he was sick of this. "I QUIT!" He yelled. Nobody cared, except the potted plant on the landing. If it had eyes, it would have looked at him sympathetically.

"Why?" It asked.

"I am sick and tired of dating everyone's Mary Sues. There is no originality at all. We always meet the same way, say the same things, and it's boring. If I'm not kissing an OC, I'm being shipped with everyone from Opal Koboi to Harry Potter." (No kidding, I have actually come across a genuine, serious Harry/Artemis pairing in a crossover somewhere)

If the plant had had eyes, it would have sobbed. "No, Artemis!" It yelled. "You are my one true love! Don't leave me!"

"This is just ridiculous now! I am leaving! Find somebody else to save the world!" The plant sighed and made some phone calls.

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><p>"Alright, people!" Yelled Holly. "Welcome to the auditions for the next Artemis Fowl!" She looked dangerously at the eight people who had showed up to become the next pixie-fighting, world-saving, all-round-epic Irish genius. First up was a young man with spiky pink hair. He was accompanied by a blue cat, for some reason. "All right," said Holly. "Who are you, and what makes you think you can be the next Artemis Fowl?"<p>

"My name is Natsu Dragneel, and I'm really just here because I saw the job offer on a noticeboard and I hear this guy has quite a lot of money, which my guild could really use."

Butler glared at him dangerously. He wasn't even going to ask what a guild was, or who just took random jobs pasted on boards. Ah well. "So," he said. "The most important thing: can you fly a plane?"

Natsu looked like he was going to barf at the thought. "Like, the vehicle?"

"Yes..."

Natsu ran off, muttering something about motion sickness. Holly sighed. "Next!"

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><p>Next up was a tall, handsome guy. He was a bit too... muscle-ey, but his dark blue eye were similar. That was promising.<p>

"My name's Four," he began.

Mulch stared at him. "_Four?" _

"Yeah, got a problem?"

"Yes. It's just too ironic. How are you supposed to get Atlantis Complex with a name like _Four? _Just no. Next!"

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><p>Next was a sparkly vampire. "My name's Ed-" He was cut off by a simultaneous yell from everyone.<p>

_"NEXT!"_

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><p>Next was a dark haired guy with green eyes and an American accent. "I'm Percy Jackson, and Iv'e saved the world a few times myself, so... I figured I could do this."<p>

Foaly was intrigued. "So, what can you do?" Percy made an incredible saltwater fountain rise from the ground. Sadly, It rained all over Foaly's precious equipment. The centaur got up, looking at him murderously. Percy did the smart thing, and ran for his life.

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><p>Next was a blonde guy in armour with a sword and shield. "I'm Jaune Ark, and I did this because a friend of mine, sort of, she actually kind hates me, dared me to." Weiss sniggered in the background. This'd keep him busy, and she'd be left in peace to make out with Yang, Blake and Ruby. (Hey, who said I could only bash Artemis Fowl pairings? Why not add RWBY?)<p>

Mulch shook his head. "Too insecure and blonde. Next."

Dang it, thought Weiss.

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><p>Next was a thirteen-year-old boy with messy dark hair. "My name's Hiro Hamada, robotics expert and computer genius."<p>

Everyone sat up. This was promising. "So," asked Butler. "Can you make complex inventions?"

"Yes."

"Could you, in theory, discover a secret world of fairies?" 

"Uh, I guess?"

Suddenly one of Foaly's screens lit up. It said it was being contacted by someone named 'Baymax'. A girl's face appeared on it. She had spiky Holly-ish hair with a purple streak. "Hiro," she said. "San Fransokyo is under attack, we need you here now!"

"Sorry, guys," said Hiro. He fizzled out of existence as the author was too lazy to give him an actual mode of transport.

"Damn it!" Said Mulch. "That kid was our best Artemis yet! Ah well. NEXT!"

* * *

><p>Next was some guy named Peeta. He was also too blonde and insecure. "This is it!" Yelled Holly. "We're getting Artemis back!" So they went to San Fransokyo, where Artemis had moved to, and poked him in the ribs until he gave in and agreed to come back. They arrived in Fowl Manor. Percy ran past, still being chased by Foaly.<p>

"Father, please help!" He yelled at the sky for some reason. Suddenly, an auburn-haired girl appeared in front of them. Percy looked confused. "Artemis?"

"Indeed. It is Poseidon's day off, and so he sent me to help." She used her Godly power to teleport Foaly back to the ops booth.

Mulch sighed, looking at (Irish, male) Artemis. "That was close, eh, Artemis?"

The goddess Artemis stared at him. "YOU FILTHY MALE DARES USE MY DIVINE NAME?!"

Then she blew them all up.

* * *

><p><strong>That got weird fast... anyway, the auditioning characters (of which I own none) were, in order of appearance:<strong>

**Natsu Dragneel, from the _Fairy Tail _Anime series,**

**Four (a.k.a. Tobias Eaton) from the _Divergent _trilogy by Veronica Roth,**

**Edward Cullen, from the _Twilight _series by Stephanie Meyer,**

**Percy Jackson, from the _Percy Jackson _and _Heroes of Olympus _series by Rick Riordan,**

**Jaune Ark, from the _RWBY _anime series,**

**Hiro Hamada, from the movie _Big Hero 6,_**

**And (kinda) Peeta Mellark, from _The Hunger Games _trilogy by Suzanne Collins.**

**_Also Featuring:  
><em>**

**Happy, also from _Fairy Tail,_**

**Weiss Schnee, also from _RWBY,_**

**GoGo Tomago, also from _Big Hero 6,_**

**And last but not least, Artemis, the moon and hunting goddess, from both the _Percy Jackson _and _Heroes of Olympus _series, as well as Greek mythology.**


End file.
